Easter Egg

Well done for finding my EASTER EGG, below you might find some interesting information – OR MABE NOT!  But why not have a look anyway…

“An easter egg on a computer is an intentional, message, image, feature or game tucked inside software, websites or video games by developers for fun.

These surprises are not part of normal functionality, are harmless and are usually discovered by accident or specific undocumented commands”

This page contains: Jokes, local information, personalities, jokes, interesting facts, local history – and more jokes. (The history of the Welcome Club is on the Information page.)

DISCLAIMER

The information below is copied from the internet, yes, even the jokes!. Some details may not be entirely accurate.

Also, I realise that some of the joke are not politically correct but there is no offence intended.

Local places that may be worth a visit

Essex Wildlife Trust Thameside Nature Discovery Park and visitor centre

Hardie Park

Langdon Hills Country Park

Essex Scuba

RHS Garden Hyde Hall

RSPB Rainham Marshes

Stow Maries Great War Aerodrome

National Trust – Rainham Hall

HOFS (Hadleigh Old Fire Station)

National Trust – Danbury Commons and Blakes Wood

And one place that is always worth a visit is the Welcome Club of course!

Important phone numbers

Emergency 999 apart from the Fire, police and ambulance services, it also serves to connect to mountain, cave, mine rescue plus bomb disposal

The European standard emergency number is 112 which also works in the UK for the same services

If you cannot speak then call 999 and then press 55 to indicate a genuine emergency

For non-emergency Police matters call 101

For non-emergency medical advice call 111

Key phone numbers for Stanford-le-Hope include NHS health services (Stanford Clinic: 01375 674432, Corringham Medical Centre: 01375 800260), c2c rail assistance (03457 44 44 22), and other emergency services.

  112 – Coastguard. …

  0800 138 0990 – Mental Health Advice & Support Line.

Health and Medical Services

• Stanford Clinic (Wharf Road): 01375 674432
• Corringham Medical Centre (The Sorrells): 01375 800260
• Corringham Health Centre (Giffords Cross Road): 01277 672468
• SET CAMHS (Mental Health Services): 0800 953 0222
• Health visiting / Family Hubs (Thurrock): 0300 300 1620 (General inquiries) 

Transportation

• Stanford-le-Hope Train Station (c2c) Helpline: 03457 44 44 22 

Local Authority and Services

• London Port Health Authority (Emergency Out of Hours): 020 7332 1101
• Thurrock Council (General Enquiries): 01375 652652 

Samaritans      116 123

 Carers

  Carers Direct (NHS): 0808 802 0202 (Advice for carers).

  Carers UK Helpline: 0808 808 7575 (Information and support).

  Age UK: 0800 055 6112 (Support for later life).

  Mind Infoline: 0300 123 3393 (Mental health support).

  Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 emotional support).

  MoneyHelper: 0800 138 7777 (Financial advice).

  Care for Carers Information Service: 0800 888 6999 (Pre-recorded info). 

Power Cut/Emergency: 0800 31 63 105 (UK Power Networks).

  Stanford-le-Hope Post Office: 0345 611 2970 (Branch: Stanford-le-Hope).

  Stanford-le-Hope Library (Warm Space): 0345 603 7633 (The Essex Map).

  Hardie Hall (Scout HQ): Hardie Rd, SS17 0PB. 

Some cringe worthy one liners to impress or bore people with; I think that they may have  been Christmas Cracker rejects!

A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships,
apparently, ‘in HD’, wasn’t the correct answer..

A man had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an industrial pepper grinder, he’s fine now.

I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator,  who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

Who’s in charge of the hankies?     The handkerchief.

Why did the pirate struggle to learn the alphabet?       Because he kept getting lost at C!

My parents told me I was conceived after they got drunk on cheap Australian lager, that’s how I discovered I’m a Fosters child.

Unexpected sex is one of the best ways to wake up, unless you’re in prison of course.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken and met a girl dressed as an egg. An age old question was answered, the chicken.

The kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

Science reveals that women have cleaner minds than men, because they change them so often.

I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants,   it’s called Feefiphobia.

Having bought a vintage Rolls Royce, the budget didn’t cover a driver, so I spent all that money, and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

For sale, limited edition bottle of Tippex,    it’s a corrector’s item.

Now here’s a funny thing, if you are the first Club Member to obey the rules below, you will have £10 added to your white Privilege card.

Send an email with your name and membership number to: welcome-comments@outlook.com (I will be the only person to see it), and put a post on the Welcome Clubs Facebook page and simply say: “I found the Easter Egg”. This is how I will know that you have emailed me.

My mum is always saying, “40 is the new 30”,   lovely lady, just lost her driving licence.
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One bonus of growing up with a dyslexic father, if he caught me swearing, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.
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To err is human, to arr is Pirate.

.What do you call a cow with a twitch?   Beef Jerky.

.A wind turbine asks the turbine next to it, “what music do you like?”. It replied, “I’m a huge metal fan”.

.What did the grape say when it got stood on?      Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

.When you see lovers names carved into a tree, do you think, ‘that’s sweet’, or do you worry that people take knives on a date.

I’m not convinced about the popularity of Advent calenders, I think their days are numbered.
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My mates Thai girlfriend told him that a small penis shouldn’t spoil their sex life, he said she may be right, but he’d prefer it if she didn’t have one.
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I was chuffed when my lesbian neighbour got me a rolex for my birthday,  but I think she misunderstood after I’d said ‘I wanna watch’.
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My mate told me he was pulling off his boxers before going to bed when his Mrs said, ‘you spoil those dogs’.

.A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
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Someone just told me to stop acting like a flamingo,   so I had to put my foot down.
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The writer of ‘The Hokey Cokey’ song has died, it was a struggle getting him in the coffin, they put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
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My friend has opened up an ice rink charging just 10p a go,   what a cheap skate.
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What do you call an alligator with GPS?  A navigator.
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?  An investigator.
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A Chinese man faked his own death, but his family were suspicious,   they didn’t bereave him.

I haven’t talked to my girlfriend for days now,   I don’t like to interrupt her.

The man that invented throat lozenges died last week,  there was no coffin at the funeral.

.I’ve discovered I have a logic fetish,   I can’t stop coming to conclusions.
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Arriving at work today a clown opened the door for me,   I thought, that’s a nice jester.

A suspect was charged with killing a man with sandpaper, in defence he said, ” I only meant to rough him up a bit”.

Why not JOIN IN?

Copied from Thurrock Council and other sources.

OUR FUTURE HEALTH. Our goal is to revolutionise the way we fight disease by collecting information from millions of volunteers across the UK. Together we can help researchers find ways to prevent, detect and treat diseases earlier.

https://ourfuturehealth.org.uk/

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Free and low-cost activities in Thurrock. Are you looking for a way to keep fit, socialise or pick-up a new skill?  Read the full list of activities you can get involved in

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Enjoy Thurrock’s countryside.With the days starting to get a little warmer, why not pop down for a walk at one of the many parks and countryside spaces in our borough?

T100 Walks. T100 hosts a programme of free walks, including Meandering Mondays (every second Monday of the month) and longer Weekend Trails on Saturdays or Sundays. They are an opportunity to meet new people, and learn something new – all while enjoying the outdoors.

Find out more about the walks and where they take place

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Did you know you can recycle bric-a-brac from the comfort of your home for FREE?   Thanks to our partnership with Anglo Doorstep Collections, you can book FREE doorstep recycling collections to help you recycle clothes, small electrical items, toys, books and other bric-a-brac and yes – you don’t have to leave your home to do so!    

Did you know that until 2004, the CIU had its own beer brewed by the Federation brewery in Dunston, Tyne and Wear.

More one liners – so you can be even more annoying!

Did you hear about the lonely pyromaniac?,   he’s still looking for the perfect match.
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Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?,  cos he was so far out man!

A mate of mine is always telling me it’s better to give than receive, a lesson he learned in prison.

I got an e-mail saying, ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’, I thought, “that’s just spam.”

.My mate’s a safety officer in a kids playground,  his careers on the slide.

If the panda dies out, should WWF spend loads of money on designing a new logo, or just turn the panda on its back?

A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons, police held him for a while then let him go.

A man was in court for stealing a bag, took just 3 minutes to get sentenced, it was a briefcase

.The tiles, A,E,I,O,and U were discovered in a dead scrabble players stomach, vowel play is supected.

.I was in a restaurant when I got hit in the head with a prawn cocktail, as I looked round, the waiter shouted, “that’s for starters!!”

I’ve been thinking of getting rid of my old hoover,    it’s only gathering dust.
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My Great Grandma died after completing a Marathon, but hey, at least she had a good run.

Still sending letters by post?

The Post Office requests that you write the address on the envelope as clearly as you can and left aligned. (each line of the address should start immediately below the one above). This is so that the machines can read the address easily.

If printing the address out, use a clear easy to read font.

I know that this column is a joke but hey, I’m not the one reading it!!

I couldn’t hold a candle to my grandad,  he was an alcoholic.

.I purchased a microwave bed recently,  8 hours sleep in 10 minutes.

Owing to increased energy bills, the 99p shop have put their prices up by 1p, no change there then..

If laughter really is the best medicine,   then how come there are no chemists selling nitrous oxide?

.I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer, dunno what he’s laced them with, but I’ve been trippin all day.
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I’ve been working for an Arab dairy farmer,  or Milk Sheikh as he prefers to be called.
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Two dead canaries for sale on e bay, not going cheep.
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I’ve spilt stain remover on my trousers, how do I get that out??!
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I just saw a digital radio going cheap as it’s stuck on full volume,  can’t turn that down.

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows

I always knew that I’d never become a lawyer, as I struggle to pass a bar.
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I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, and half way through the bloke on the triangle disappeared.
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The Judge told me I had the heart of a lion,  and a lifetime ban from the zoo now.

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
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I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers.

My dad’s hobby was collecting empty bottles, which sounds so much better than ‘alcoholic’.
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No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.

There were a couple of girls banging on my bedroom door all last night, I had to let them out eventually.

Our local school has become an academy, it’s sponsored by IKEA, standards may be fine, but assembly takes ages.

A set of jump-leads walks into a bar, the barman says, “I’ll serve you, but you’d better not start anything” .

‘If you want to know what God thinks of money,  just look at the people he gave it to.’

Staff gathered in the car park for a fire drill at the sperm bank before the alarm had gone off, it was a premature evacuation.

Don’t trust atoms,  they make up everything.

I can’t believe they didn’t suss the deaf translator at Mandela’s memorium, should’ve seen the signs!

I was always taking notes at my last job,  but then they checked the till.

Biologists have discovered they can stop frogs dying by removing their vocal cords so they can’t croak.

My mate went a bit off the rails when he was younger, which is probably why he’s no longer a train driver.

Doug Engelbart, the visionary who invented the computer mouse, has died aged 88, shame they couldn’t right click and save him.

.My girlfriend broke up with me after I stole her wheelchair, but she’ll come crawling back.

.I’ve just made a killing selling my shares in the nitrous oxide market, I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.

I couldn’t believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

.If humans stood in a single file line around the equator,  most of them would drown.

I’m going to make a TV series about a plane hi-jacking, we just shot the pilot.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Some well known people who were born, grew up or lived the Stanford Le Hope area

Rylan, Ross Richard Clark (Ginger haired Rylan) was born 25 October 1988 in Stepney, London), known professionally as  Rylan, he is an English broadcaster, television and radio personality and presenter. He came to prominence as a contestant on the ninth series of the talent show The X Factor in 2012, in which he finished in fifth place.

The following year, he appeared on the eleventh series of the reality show Celebrity Big Brother, which he won. I believe that he moved to Stanford Le Hope when he was 11 after the family relocated to Essex, he attended Gable Hall School, in nearby. He moved away after his marriage break up. 

Siraj Ali  Bangladeshi-born British restaurateur and philanthropist.

Ron Brett (4 September 1937 – 30 August 1962) was an English professional footballer who played as a forward.

Joseph Conrad Polish-British writer (1857–1924)  (born Józef Teodor Konrad Korzeniowski, ; 3 December 1857 – 3 August 1924) was a Polish-British novelist and story writer. He is regarded as one of the greatest writers in the English language and – though he did not speak English fluently until his twenties (always with a strong foreign accent) – became a master prose stylist who brought a non-English sensibility into English literature.

Julie Dartnell   (born 1 September 1963 in Stanford-le-Hope, Essex) is a British Oscar-winning makeup artist who won an Oscar at the 2012 Academy Awards for Best Makeup for the film Les Misérables. She shared her Oscar win with Lisa Westcott, the Head of Department for the film.

Phill Jupitus  Phillip Christopher Jupitus (né Swan; born 25 June 1962) is a retired English stand-up and improv comedian, actor, performance poet, cartoonist and podcaster. Jupitus was a team captain on all but one BBC Two-broadcast episode of music quiz Never Mind the Buzzcocks from its inception in 1996 until 2015, and also appeared regularly as a guest on several other panel shows, including QI and BBC Radio 4’s I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue.

George Maguire (born 11 December 1990) is an English actor, known for being one of the three original cast members who carried the title role in Billy Elliot the Musical, which earned the Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role in a Musical, becoming one of the youngest winners of the award.

 Andrew Mathews Vice Admiral Sir Andrew David Hugh Mathews KCB FREng (born 27 June 1958) is a senior Royal Navy officer who was Chief of Materiél (Fleet), Royal Navy.

Scroobius Pip     David Peter Meads (born 3 August 1981), known professionally as (Dave) Scroobius Pip, is an English actor and podcaster as well as a former spoken word poet and hip hop recording artist from Stanford-le-Hope, Essex. He first gained prominence as one half of hip hop duo Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip sparked by their debut single ‘Thou Shalt Always Kill’

Jordan Wright  (July 1992 – 14 March 2026) was an English television personality, known for appearing as a cast member on the seventh series of Ex on the Beach in 2017 and the ITV reality series The Only Way Is Essex in 2018.

Lauren Briggs  (born 8 August 1979 in Stanford-Le-Hope) is a professional squash player who represents England. She reached a career-high world ranking of World No. 18 in December 2008. She has twelve International tour titles accredited to her name, winning tournaments in America, Finland, France, Holland, Malaysia, Switzerland, England, Scotland and Wales. Briggs retired from the International WSA Tour in 2013.

Shahena Ali   Bengladeshi  born, British English celebrity chef, television presenter, nutritionist, businesswoman, and food and beauty writer.

 Mark-Anthony Turnage – (born 10 June 1960 in Corringham) is an English composer of contemporary classical music.

 Michael Stanley – Samoan international rugby player, educated at Gable Hall School

 Denise Van Outen – actress, singer and television presenter

History and other information that you didn’t know that you wanted to know!!

Stanford Le Hope railway station was originally called the Horndon Halt, with no footbridge between platforms

2021 population of Stanford Le Hope, (including Corringham) 29,525 .

Fobbing has the White Lion pub and St Michael’s church, where John Pell who invented the long division sign was the vicar

Corringham: St Mary the Virgin is a Grade I listed parish church dating back to the late 11th century, with possible earlier pre-Conquest origins.

The oldest church in the immediate Stanford-le-Hope area is St Margaret of Antioch, a Grade I listed church located in the center of the village. The present structure dates back to approximately c. 1180 (late Norman period), with significant additions and expansions added in the 13th and 14th centuries.

The place-name Fobbing is first attested in the Domesday Book of 1086, where it appears as Phobinge. It appears as Fobinges in 1125, and Fobbinges in 1227. The name means “Fobba’s people”, Fobba being a shortened form of the name Folcheorht.^[3]

St. Michael’s Church is known for its historic association with the smuggling trade. At one time the church was near the waterfront of Fobbing Harbour. Smugglers sailed up Fobbing Creek guided by the distinctive church tower but after the great flood of 1 February 1953, the creek and harbour were sealed up by a dyke and drained. Underneath the church there are claimed to be many tunnels which were used by smugglers in the 14th century.

Corringham remains an ecclesiastical parish in the Church of England. St Mary the Virgin Church is the parish church, which originated in the Saxon period from the time of St Cedd in the 7th century.

Saxon period

It is likely that where the church stands today, Curra the Tribal Chief of the Saxons came with mercenaries following and replacing Roman soldiers of the 1st and 2nd centuries, who then over the following centuries settled as permanent residents of Corringham.

By the 7th century Corringham would have had a Saxon community, and it is thought that St Cedd, who established Tilbury Monastery in AD 653, established a church here. The last Saxon Lord of Corringham was known as Sigar in 1066, and is mentioned in the Domesday Book of 1086 as holding 1 manor, 4 hides and 10 acre

The place-name ‘Corringham’ is first attested in the Domesday Book of 1086, where it appears as Currincham. It appears as Curingeham in the Feet of Fines for 1204. The name means ‘the village of Curra’s people’.^[3]

The name Horndon means “horn-shaped hill”

Horndon-on-the-Hill appears in the Domesday Book of 1086 as Hornindune

On the south wall of St Peter and St Paul’s church is a memorial to Thomas Higbed, who was burned at the stake in Horndon in 1555 and is included in Foxe’s Book of Martyrs.^[8]

Philip Conrad Vincent, founder & Designer of Vincent Motorcycles Great Britain, lived in Horndon on the-Hill, and his final resting place is in the Parish cemetery of St Peter and St Paul in the centre of the village.

A chance discovery in Corringham revealed 2000 pre-Roman coins, called Potins, made of a tin-copper alloy, they probably represent trading activities in Thurrock, with northern France (Gaul) and date between 75-100 BC.

 In 1862 on the Thames Haven marshes, Jem Mace and Tom King fought the last British Heavyweight Championship under bare-fisted rules. Mace was the winner after 42 rounds and was rewarded with a 400 gold sovereign purse.

East Tilbury

Parish facts:

• Site of one of the first two Christian monasteries set up by Saint Cedd in 635 AD, one at Bradwell the other at Tilaburg (Tilbury) and probably located at St. Catherine’s, church, East Tilbury, on an ancient highway and Thames ferry or crossing point.
• In 1930 Thomak Bata completes the purchase of farm land, just north of the old village of East Tilbury. Here he intends to build a new shoe factory, built on the same blue print as used at Zlin in Czechoslovakia. He was killed in an air crash soon afterwards and never saw the factory completed. On the 14th October 1938, Bata Shoe company opened a cinema within its purpose built factory and residential estate at East Tilbury. The cinema had 400 seats, was coloured internally in Pink & Blue and was equipped with 2 Phillips Projectors. The building had the latest sound and ventilation equipment.
• The new Bat Man film ‘Batman begins’ 2005, was partly filmed in Coalhouse Fort.

Fobbing

The Rev. Pell (1611-1685), was presented by Charles II to the living of Fobbing in 1661. He is credited with inventing the now common division sign, a horizontal dash with a dot above and below. However his mathematical performance entirely failed to justify his reputation.

In 1377 a series of warning beacons were set up along the Thameside River banks, sited on commanding hills. In Thurrock beacons are known to have been erected at Fobbing, East Tilbury, Grays and Purfleet. This warning system was instigated through increasing hostile French vessels, raiding Thames riverside villages.

 Horndon

During Saxon times, a mint was established in Horndon. Evidence of this was obtained from a single example of a penny dated between 1056 and 1059, during the reign of Kind Edward the Confessor.

The penny was found in the church of St. Mary at Hill, Lovat Lane,City of London. Horndon appears on the reverse as ‘Hornidune’.[2]

Back to the Home page:  https://www.welcome-club.co.uk/

Back to the Events & Entertainments page:  https://www.welcome-club.co.uk/events/

Back to the Information page:  https://www.welcome-club.co.uk/about/information/

OKAY, I promise that this is the last batch of Jokes

I bought a guard dog to protect my house, it’s absolutely useless and lets everybody in. I later discovered I’ve got a UK Border Collie.!

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage, “no thanks, I’m travelling light.”

.Personal ads:- ‘Alcoholic man seeks similar woman for a drink or two, maybe more’.

If it’s the case that girls tend to marry men like their fathers, you can see why their mothers cry at the weddings.

.Breaking news:- Chris Eubanks has just written a book about ethics, if it’s a success his next one will be about Kent.
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

.Our neighbourhood has a tiny ghost that helps out during hard times, it’s good to have a little community spirit.

.Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer,  he wasn’t happy about it.

.I tried to start up a chicken dating agency but failed,  it was a struggle to make hens meet

On Election day, I’ll take my voting slip for a candle lit dinner, champagne and truffles, I’m gonna spoil my ballot.

.I’ve invented a new flavour of crisps,  if they’re successful I’ll make a packet.

.They say mums have eyes in the back of their heads, well one woman really did, but had an op to put them where they belong, hasn’t looked back since.

My cockney mate is doing really well in the over-sized trouser business, he’s making huge strides.

.News:- A coach containing session musicians has overturned on the motorway, drivers may expect lengthy jams.

.I’ve just put my friend Richard on speed dial on the phone. ,it’s my Get-Rich-Quick scheme.

A man has died after falling in a vat of coffee,  it was instant.
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Our Grandad got his tongue shot off in the First World War,  but he doesn’t talk about it.
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My Doc asked if I drank to excess,  I said I’d drink to anything.

.My girlfriend asked me to buy something that makes her look sexy again,  so I got a crate of lager in.
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So what if I can’t spell ‘armaggedon’?,  it’s not like it’s the end of the world.
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Why did the scarecrow get promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field.

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose, and a parsnip in his ear,the doc said,  “clearly you’re not eating properly.”

My friend was a victim of his own success,  his trophy cabinet fell on him.
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Alphabet Spaghetti warning:-   May contain N, U, T and S’.